SMS Jokes, funny text shares, Humor, Witty quotes - Page 10

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!''

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly.

The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".

MORAL OF THE STORY: Men's brains work brilliant until they start thinking about a woman!!
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Swami Vivekanand

When Swami Vivekanand was studying law at the University College, London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room when  came along with his tray and sat next to the professor.

The professor said, "Mr Vivekanand , you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."

Vivekanandji looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters,  reddened with rage, decided to take revenge.

The next day in Class he posed the following question: "Mr.Vivekanand , if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with money, which one would you take ?"

Without hesitating, Vivekanandji responded, "The one with the money, of course."

Mr. Peters , smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom."

Swami Vivekanand shrugged and responded, "Each one takes what he doesn't have."

Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Swami Vivekanand's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Swami Vivekanand.

Vivekanandji took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A  few  minutes later, Swami Vivekanand got up, went to the professor and told him in a dignified polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

=========================

Teacher at class:"suno bachcho kal tum
logo ka group photo shoot hoga,, . Sab log
apne apne ghar se Rs.50/-le kar aana,,
.
.
Naughty Kid: "Ye sab teacher logo ki mili
bhagat hoti hai,,
Ek photo k 20/- rupye lagte hai aur hum
logo se 50_50 rupye liye ja rahe hai,, .
Matlab ek bachche se 30/- Rupeye bachayenge matlab akele apni class me 60
bachche hai to 60*30=1800 Rs. . khuli Loot
macha rakhi hai in logo ne,,
..
Fir hamare paiso se ye sab staff room me
baith k samosa khayenge aur hum bachchon ko milega Thenga .
Bhalai ka to zamaana hi nahi rah gaya,,
.
.
Naughty Kid to mom: "Mummy kal school me
group photo shoot hona hai teacher ne
Rs.100/- rupye mangaye hai..
.
. Mom: 100 rs!!
khuli loot macha rakhi hai in logo ne,,
..
Fir hamare paiso se ye sab eish karenge...
ruk beta mei tere pappa se mangti
hu...
MOM TO DAD:
are sunte ho
Bache ke school mein group photos ke liye
rs.200 mange hai!!''

This is how inflation occurs.

==================================

Beggar - Give me food.
Man - I'll give u vodka.
Beggar - i don't drink.
Man - i will give u cigarette.
Beggar - i don't smoke.
Man - i will take u to d races.
Beggar - i don't gamble.
Man - i will get u a girlfriend.
Beggar - no i only love my wife.
Man - i'll give u food, but first u have to come to my house.
Beggar - why?
Man - i want my wife to see what state people get into when they don't drink, smoke, gamble and only love their wife..

=================================

Mark Zuckerberg's wife is the only wife in the world who says "dear, you focus only on facebook & whatsapp, i'll handle the rest"...

=================================

In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early".
sardar threw his bag outside.
Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"
Sardar answered: "It's mine.... bye bye!"
Sardar is getting smarter day by day..

=================================

YOUR PHONE NUMBER. WILL REVEAL YOUR AGE.

AMAZING -AMAZING-AMAZING

Your Phone number will reveal your actual Age.
I do not know who discovered this?
but it is...Really accurate.
It will take about 15 seconds,
read and do it at the same time so that you will not lose the fun.
1- Take a look at your last digit of your cell phone number
2- Use this figure and multiply by 2
3- Then add 5
4- And then multiply by 50
5-And then add the number 1764
6- The last step; with this number, subtract your birth year.
Now you see a three-digits number.
The first digit is the last digit of your phone number, the next two digits are your actual age!
IS'NT THIS SURPRISING?
Try it...
Really amazing

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Teacher: 5 - 5 = how much?
Student is quiet…..
Teacher tries again: agar tere paas 5 idli hai  aur main tere 5 idli le lu, tere paas kya bachega?


Student: sambar aur chutney...

====================================
Interesting Facts :
You can only dream about faces you have already seen. Your brain cannot make up new ones when you're dreaming.
The harder you concentrate on falling asleep, the less likely it will happen.
There is no word you can write using only the bottom row of the keyboard.
The human mind spends 70% of it's time replaying memories & creating scenarios of perfect moments and situations.
Don't use a song you like as an alarm to wake up. You'll end up hating it.
Laughing for 15 minutes benefits the human body the same as sleeping for 2 hours.
When you wake up around 2-3 am without any reasons, there's an 80% chance someone is remembering you.
After an argument, more than 85% people tend to think of all the clever things they should have said.
Listening to music has been shown to lower stress levels, lower blood pressure, increase concentration and even relieve pain.
A “moment” technically means 90 seconds.
Chocolate is about five times more effective than cough syrup when suffering from the common cold.
No matter how hard you try, you can never remember how your dream started.
There's a 96% chance at this very moment you are waiting for something that will never happen.
Emotional pain lasts for 10 to 20 minutes, anything longer is actually self inflicted by over thinking, making things worse.
You see yourselves 5 times more attractive in the mirror than you really are, thanks to your brain.
99% people get scared when a text reads "can i ask you a question."
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